


playing you like a broken record

by clubchicken (clubsushi)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, post-breakup fic, vinyl records
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-17 12:16:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9323207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clubsushi/pseuds/clubchicken
Summary: Luhan is Sehun’s favorite song on a scratched vinyl record he can’t seem to throw away.





	1. side a; track one

**Author's Note:**

> prompt used are lyrics from the song "we don't talk anymore" by charlie puth ft. selena gomez.
> 
> tbh, the reason why it's taking me so long to crosspost this is because i've grown to dislike this fic A LOT weeks after i was done with it. i took inspiration from people i know irl. i was frustrated at that time. c-: HAHA. idk what to feel abt this now but i've been convincing myself to edit everything i've written for awhile now and i guess here we are! this was inspired by a whole lot of things and songs. i'll prolly list them all later hoho. anw thank you to the three amazing people who helped me on this one at some point! ate camz, kaizeh, and marie hehe. 
> 
> this is a post-breakup fic, btw. some warnings: cheating, smoking, alcohol, and drug use.

_I just hope you're lying next to somebody_  
_who knows how to love you like me_  
_there must be a good reason that you're gone_  
_every now and then i think you might want me to come show up at your door_  
_but i'm just too afraid that i'll be wrong_  
\- Charlie Puth  & Selena Gomez, We Don’t Talk Anymore

 

**side a; intro**

It’s two minutes past six in the morning. There’s a woman’s head snug comfortably on Sehun’s stomach from the left side and Jongin’s drooling on his shoulder on the other. There are other people sound asleep at the long makeshift bed of mattresses lined up side-by-side on the hardwood floor. It’s like a recreation of Kanye West’s Famous or Vincent Desiderio’s Sleep, only Sehun still has a wife beater on along with his boxers (the other people whose limbs are entangled together just beside him, he isn’t so sure).

Jongin’s saliva dampens and sticks to his skin warmly and Sehun would’ve minded if only he isn’t in such an intoxicated state to actually notice anything else but the screen of his phone and the text on the gray chat bubbles he’s scrolling through.

**17 Sep 2015 2:20 AM**

_i miss you a lot sehun lets not fight anymore im sorry i dont want u to leave pls dont leave me im sorry are you still mad??? :-------c thinking about it... i actually… cried so much during the past few days whenever i think about what it will be like if we break up… and i dont want that to happen… u really do make me happy pls dont think otherwise im sorry if i always seem like i want to fight with u when i dont. i was just tired. its our anniversary in a few days and i cant believe its almost three years. I dont want to fight on our special day… or ever. Lets not fight okay?? I love u._

Memories of what once was flashes in his mind in split seconds, too soon for him to actually grasp it before trailing away from his train of thoughts. There’s an image of him running out of his apartment, and planning to take a cab to Luhan’s place that night. But Luhan beat him to it because just when he opened the door to step out, Luhan was already in front of his door.

There was no need to talk because it was as if they were running out of oxygen and the only way to get it back was from each other’s mouths. They navigated their way inside without taking their hands away from each other until they were on top of the bed and they made up going at it like bunnies—as if making up for the lost time they spent being mad at each other.

It was so long ago—a year. A year and three days, to be exact. It’s almost too hard to believe that they actually ended three months after that night.

 _Stop,_ he thinks. Sehun should be asleep. The room is clouded with remnants of cigarette and sweet smoke. His stomach feels full with the amount of alcohol he’s consumed since six in the evening and there’s an incredible amount of notifications from unopened text messages and missed calls from Bae Joohyun. It’s a situation Sehun’s been familiar with since it’s the one that’s been trying to fill in the void Luhan has left in Sehun’s life.

“Happy anniversary, babe.” Sehun whispers, dropping the phone on his chest. His vision turns blurry in his bloodshot eyes and it isn’t long before he could no longer carry the heaviness of his spent eyelids.

Sehun passes out.

**side a**

It’s normal to be hangup over a long-term relationship. But it’s been nine months since the last time Sehun has actually talked to Luhan and maybe it isn’t so normal to miss his ex when it’s been so long.

Even if the same situation has been happening to Sehun more often than not, he reckons that last night was just a burst of nostalgia that shouldn’t come back now that he’s awake and sober. Although, it’s more of a habit rather than a burst.

It happens when he isn’t too hungover the next morning and he forgets that he doesn’t have to send him a good morning text or try to call him awake because Luhan can’t wake up with just the alarm clock. Sometimes he has this compulsion to flip through his messages and phone gallery and type away drafts of text messages he’s never going to send while he’s sober throughout the day. And of course at night, before he passes out at some stranger’s home trying to contact him. That’s when he realizes how shitty it is because Luhan must’ve already changed his number so he’s never going to be able to read his text messages or pick up the phone.

So _maybe_ he hasn’t moved on. It is thirty-nine months worth of a relationship. It’s only been nine months, he has another thirty to burn before it becomes borderline worrisome.

It’s not like Sehun isn’t trying hard enough. He’s currently off school and doing things that make him happy like partying or finding several vices to keep him occupied. And Sehun has Joohyun too. In times when she isn’t enough, Sehun can just go find someone else to hook up with. It’s an open relationship anyway, at least to Sehun that is.

(“Bae’s gonna kill you. Your Bae’s gonna kill you!” Jongin had said, upon hearing about how Sehun wanted to meet other people besides Joohyun just a week into their relationship.)

Not that Joohyun could have done anything about it. She rarely has any say in their relationship anyway, so she agreed. Even if she didn’t, it wouldn’t be much of a loss. Sehun only asked her out as a pastime and keeps her because he cleans up after him quite well. She even helps with job hunting and regularly goes to grocery shopping trips to put food in his refrigerator. Sehun doesn’t exactly give a fuck about what he eats and Jongin only calls for chicken delivery for meals. So it’s good they can eat real food without trying.

It’s like having a mom and a girlfriend at the same time, Sehun couldn’t just make her go away. But if she does leave, Sehun can just go back home and have someone actually take care of him. It’s not like he’ll miss her too much.

And sometimes he sees himself in Joohyun too, the _him_ before Luhan dumped him.

(He doesn’t know what to do about that thought though.)

It isn’t in any way right to be acting the way that Sehun is now. Being heartbroken is no excuse for being a douche. But he reasons that Luhan made him feel like trash when they broke up. Sehun can act as trashy as he wants to and fuck up to his heart’s content.

“Cut down on the fucking weed. You’re becoming more of a wreck when you’re not high.” Jongin says, pushing a glass of cranberry juice over to Sehun. There’s a sad plate of nothing but a loaf of toasted bread and butter Jongin’s made for him because Sehun rarely ever functions in the morning to prepare his own breakfast.

“You think I’ll cut it out just because you said so? Who are you? My mom? My girlfriend?” Sehun says, his snarky mouth clearly in full operation. “And where’s my coffee?” Sehun doesn’t even like coffee. He’s picked up the habit of drinking it from Luhan. It wouldn’t do his hangover any good since it’ll probably make his stomach more acidic than it is. But old habits do die hard.

“You’re becoming a lot more irritating too.” Jongin says, sitting down right in front of him at the breakfast nook, cup of coffee in his hand before Sehun snatches it away from him. Jongin sighs and Sehun blows over it, hoping a little wind would help cool it down.

“And who are we kidding? Even Joohyun-noona can’t stop you. Let’s just wait ‘til your mom finds out when you start taking XTC and overdose. Now let’s just hope that doesn’t happen because it sure looks like a huge possibility.” Sehun chooses to ignore the remark about how his flatmate believes his life is going to turn into some cautionary documentary video against drugs. It’s too early for that even if it’s already two hours past noon. Sehun takes a sip from the coffee, nearly scalding his tongue. But he pays no heed to the burn.

Realizing that the toast's going to turn stale once it becomes cold, Sehun shoves the loaf in his mouth before speaking with a muffled voice. “Whose house did we even sleep on?”

Jongin shoves a piece of bread in his mouth. “What are you trying to say, Sehun?” he mocks, laughing cheekily before taking a bite and holding the bread in his hand. Sehun’s in no mood to tolerate Jongin’s antics. “Some rich kid at school. Honestly, you’ve been missing out on a lot. I thought you’d be back after having a semester off. Don’t you think it’s time to go back to school?”

Sehun doesn’t miss school, not even in the slightest way. It was nice not having his mind tangled up with mathematical equations of functions and codes along with relationship woes. Being a guy with a lesser problematic girlfriend and partying on the daily is the life.

“My parent’s don’t mind that much. So long as I have a job.” Sehun says. The thing is he doesn’t have one right now. He _did_ have one a month ago at a convenience store, until he got fired from turning up at work stoned and intoxicated. Before his manager could even shoo him away and not let him work for the night, he made a scene devouring on the chicken nuggets on display. Once Sehun got back to his apartment and changed out of his clothes, there were three nuggets shoved inside the pockets of his jeans.

Needless to say, Sehun got to keep the nuggets. His job however… let’s just say the chicken served as his severance package.

“So when will you get one then?” Jongin asks. There is a pause that lingers in the air. He chews on the piece of bread and cocks his head to the side, as if knowing that Sehun hasn’t even tried to look for a new one. “I know this server job at a rooftop bar. It’s only a few months old and my boss owns the place. It’s even near the one I work at. We can even get a drink right after you’re done and my boss only requires all his workers to not be taller than him. It’s perfect.”

“If the pay’s good, I’ll consider.” Sehun shrugs, putting the bitten toast back on top of the plate. His boss must be a freak if that’s the only requirement for employment. Sehun would rather pass.

“Beggars can’t be choosers, you dick. And I already told my boss the other day about you. See how much of a great friend I am? I’m giving you a job offer here you unemployed rat.”

Sehun groans, Jongin’s insufferable. He nags him more than his mother ever does. “I’ll go check it out, alright?”

“I’ll see if boss can meet you by tonight. You probably don’t have anything to do today, anyway.” Sehun nods. He’s reminded once again that today was supposed to be his and Luhan’s fourth year anniversary. His day’s already ruined with just the thought. “Oh and wait, while you were already drunk last night someone wanted to hit on you but you were sleeping on the countertop. They left me a number.”

“Someone thought I was hot?” Sehun says, cockiness dripping all over his words. “No surprise there.”

“You know, Joohyun-noona deserves better than to date someone like you.” Jongin says. “And her friend said I could text her too but I’m not really interested in dating anyone. She thought I was hot too.”

“Whatever. You’re encouraging me to go see someone else. Not like I’m cheating on her even if I go flirt with whoever this person is. Is she hot?”

“I don’t know. The one who gave it to me only said her Han is a redheaded cutie.” Sehun pauses at the mention of the name. _Han._ Funny how such a name is so common.

“Is she really cute?”

“Heh. I’m kidding. Hana was her name but I knew Han would get your attention.” Jongin laughs cheekily and normally, Sehun would’ve been flipping him off by now. But he decides against it because he’d rather let the conversation die soon enough.

“If she’s not cute, I’m going to have to make you pay for takeout dinner.” Sehun shoves the piece of toast back in his mouth hoping it’s the end of the conversation.

“Whatever. I’m going to class in a bit. Don’t smoke in the living room, you fucker. The unit has a balcony for fuck’s sake.”

Before Jongin heads off to school, he pins a post-it note on the refrigerator with Hana’s digits scribbled on it. Sehun only stands up from his seat when Jongin’s out of the apartment to punch in the numbers in his phone. He takes the pack of _Esse_ from his jacket’s pocket and lights a smoke in the living room—just to spite Jongin.

**Today 2:31 PM**

_Hey… Hana, isn’t it??? i heard you saw me at 1Luck… your friend gave me this number :)_

Sehun saves the number in his contacts, his phone beeps not long after.

_ya look sorry my friend gave my # around last nite under tons of fake names if ur looking for a fubu u dont want me_

**2:32 PM**

Sehun thinks, _If this girl really isn’t interested, there wouldn’t have been a reply._ His grin grows by a bit as he puffs the smoke out.

_What makes you say that?_

**2:32 PM**

_I have a girlfriend… and my name isn’t hana either or dahye or hyejin or whatever other name she said was mine_

**2:34 PM**

Sehun pauses, putting the stick back in his mouth as he types. His grin grows a mile wide at this point. Sehun contemplates if he should give her a fake name. But he ends up shrugging it off.

_So you’re bi? Well aren’t you an interesting one… that’s even better… my name is sehun :)_

**2:35 PM**

Sehun doesn’t get a reply back even after minutes, so he rests the phone on his lap and lights another cigarette as he waits. It’s bizarre how he’s waiting for a text message from a stranger who thought he was hot. He doesn’t even know who this Hana (or whatever her name is). For all he knows, maybe she was a serial killer of some sort. He pushes the thought at the back of his mind, thinking that it doesn’t seem to be likely. Maybe the girl’s just someone who’s bored with her life much like him.

His phone vibrates ten minutes later. Sehun unlocks his phone with hasty fingers. But the text message he gets didn’t come from the one he’s been waiting for.

**BAE JOOHYUN**

**Today 2:45 PM**

_i’m coming over in an hour anything u need?_

❂❂❂

Sehun met Joohyun at a club. She came with her friends, though they left her alone at the table so they could go get free drinks from other patrons in the place. Sehun only wanted to go as far as making out with her but he had none of that since he ended up blacking out before he could even initiate any kind of contact.

Embarrassingly enough, Joohyun had to take him back to his apartment because she can’t just leave a passed out stranger alone. With much struggle, Joohyun managed to bring him back to his apartment and Sehun had nothing else to offer as a thank you other than a coffee date the next day. It went off from then on and before Joohyun could even consider them to be anything serious, Sehun cleared it up for her and explained that they weren’t exclusive. Joohyun agreed despite her reluctance. They’ve been together for six months since then.

It was so unlike how it was with Luhan, who he met at _Broken Record_ , a coffee shop that sold vinyl records. It was the summer after high school and Luhan worked from nine-to-five there when it just opened at his neighborhood. Sehun was alone at a listening room and Luhan went inside and taught him how to operate the turntable. He went out of the cafe, a string of digits written on his chocolate frappe. That was how it happened, and Luhan had been the one to show him what it felt like to be with someone. He had been his first in everything.

Being with Luhan was like a slow burn, Sehun always had to be careful with what he did and say. But Sehun understood because he knew Luhan built walls to protect himself. Somehow, Sehun seemed to be the only one to have been able to climb over those walls despite Luhan always stepping on his fingers during the climb. Nevertheless, Sehun knew Luhan loved him just the same because at the end of the day, Luhan would present himself, all guards down— _just for Sehun._

Such a relationship lasted for three years and three months and yet Sehun still feels like it ended too early.

Not like he can do anything about it, he’s with Joohyun now anyway. He shouldn’t be thinking about his ex too often. He’s well are that he should be more than happy with what he has now. But sometimes Sehun can’t help but think.

Joohyun isn’t like other girls, but Luhan isn’t like anybody. Sehun doesn’t know if it’s even right to compare the two when they’re so different. Luhan’s a guy. Joohyun’s a girl. Luhan always pick fights. Joohyun never does. Luhan wouldn’t even let anyone remotely attractive near him. Joohyun lets Sehun have flings once in awhile.

Luhan had him at his best, Joohyun has him at his worst.

It was incomparable.

❂❂❂

Joohyun comes over an hour later, right on the clock as per usual with a pack of beer and pizza in tow which Sehun asked for her to bring. By the time she steps inside, the living room stinks of smoke. Joohyun doesn’t like the smell of it but she keeps her lips shut since Sehun would never listen. Joohyun went straight to the television and started setting it up right after she’s settled what she brought in the kitchen.

(“Let’s watch a movie, Hun. What do you want to watch?” she asks.

“Whatever you want to watch, Bae.” he says, lighting another cigarette.)

Sehun’s phone beeps on his lap but the message he gets still isn’t from Hana (or whatever her name is).

_boss wanted to meet you tonight at 10_

**3:58 PM**

Sehun groans internally, tossing the phone on the couch before picking it up back again so he can send more text messages. It’s probably not right to flood her inbox but Sehun was bored and he didn’t care if he comes off as creepy because they literally don’t know each other.

The television is playing a movie of Joohyun’s choice. _Architecture 101_. They’ve watched the same movie before. Sehun doesn’t exactly remember what happens besides that there’s a house at Jeju province and the lead guy has a fiance and yet still kisses his first love by the end. Sehun was too busy with his phone to actually watch the movie though and Joohyun’s been side-eyeing him from time to time although she doesn’t say anything. It’s her day off today and she probably just wants to relax and not cause an argument.

It takes two hours before the girl texted him back and Sehun had to text her a flurry of texts like _‘Hey it’s okay we can just text i’m not looking for anyone to fuck either’_ or _‘I swear we can just be friends if u want :)’_ before receiving a text back from the other. Joohyun had started playing another movie and it’s one that Sehun doesn’t recognize.

_stop flooding my inbox n ok we can be friends im soojung but soo is ok ig thats what my ex used to call me tho :p_

**5:03 PM**

_Friends it is then??? i have a girlfriend anw tho oh and ill stick with soojung_

**5:03 PM**

_Really what’s her name?_

**5:20 PM**

_Joohyun… btw my friend told me your name was han before he said hana… it was the name of my ex_

**5:20 PM**

It went off from that as they proceeded to talk about Luhan. Sehun doesn’t know why he finds it so easy to talk with the stranger. Most of the time, when he gets random numbers saved on his phone, they wouldn’t even bother a reply or the texts won’t even last longer after a message saying _‘number saved’_ and it would be just that.

But with Soojung he’s already talking about the most random of things or information he won’t easily disclose to anyone who knows him in real life. It’s only been how many hours and yet the stranger already knows so much about his past love life. Maybe it’s the concept of anonymity that makes it easier. Whatever it is, Sehun’s enjoying himself.

Sehun was so entranced with his phone that he didn’t notice that the television was already switched off until Joohyun nudged him at the shoulder.

“Who are you texting?” Joohyun asks, biting her lips a split second after as if it wasn’t her intention to ask.

“My mom.” Sehun lies, not even trying to sound convincing at all.

Joohyun nods, seemingly unconvinced. She purses her lips and says, “Let’s eat dinner now.”

Dinner was Joohyun heating up home cooked food she brought with the smell of cigarette smoke still lingering in the air. Joohyun talks about her day and Sehun only nods once in awhile, for he was too busy digging in to talk. Once Sehun was done eating, he didn’t even wait for Joohyun to be done and went back to the couch to resume texting Soojung and light a cigarette while he’s at it.

_arent u gettin in trbl w ur girl?? weve been txting 4 hours_

**7:01 PM**

Not long after, Joohyun follows and stares at Sehun with a death glare. She doesn’t talk, she just stares at Sehun like he’s a scum of the earth. Sehun’s in no mood to listen to Joohyun’s rare rants. She isn’t one to get mad but it looks like she’s already had enough of being ignored. So Sehun stubs the cigarette out on the ashtray and focuses her eyes on Joohyun.

“How was your day?” Sehun asks, being the first question that came to mind. Joohyun’s mood picks up significantly with the question.

“Oh! I went to the mall with Seulgi and Seungwan and we…” Joohyun goes on, a smile plastered on her face. It’s a shame Sehun never got to see it.

By the time Joohyun’s much too animated with her story, Sehun pulls out the phone and texts Soojung back.

_Hey sorry for the late reply… my girlfriend called… and we aren’t exclusive so no problem there… don’t worry about it :)_

**7:23 PM**

Sehun leaves Joohyun behind his apartment once it’s time to go for the job interview or whatever it may be. When Joohyun asks where he was headed to when Sehun was buttoning his shirt on his way out to the door, Sehun only says “Hongdae.” and tells her to lock the apartment once she decides to leave.

❂❂❂

Being an asshole isn’t an inborn trait. In fact, when he and Luhan were still together, Sehun had always been the one to reach out and bury the hatchet.

Luhan had a knack for picking fights and it only became borderline difficult when he and Sehun started dating. Sehun didn’t want to think his relationship with the other was the reason why. He figured it was because of all the stress he had on his plate at that time.

Having only the summer to keep his part-time coffee shop job because of college and only relying on money he gets from gigs, he barely had anything left for his own except for the hefty amount in his bank account. Although Luhan had tried his best not to touch it because he’d rather not depend on his parent’s money beyond basic necessities. It was his choice not to go back to Beijing when his family decided to migrate back to Mainland China years ago. It was time for him to learn how to be independent. He had to work for it if he wanted to expand his synth-pop playground on his own.

It was a little over a few months after they started being together, when Sehun had to start being careful with what he did or say because it’s hard to predict what would trigger Luhan’s mood to go from bubbly to irritated in a matter of seconds. But Sehun had always been understanding. _He’s just tired,_ Sehun would think.

That’s why whenever they fought, Luhan would block Sehun’s number and Sehun had to find other ways to reach him. When all else failed, Sehun would show up at his door or in front of his university’s gates just to say sorry with a peace offering. He didn’t give him flowers or chocolate. Luhan was unusual, therefore his peace offerings spanned from frozen beef to a bucket of chicken wings along with a handwritten letter and they would have coffee or bubble tea after and whatever had been the reason for their fight, they would talk it out. On one particular fight, there was a time he bought a vinyl record and a salary-man’s worth couple ring he had splurged a month’s allowance and pay from his part-time job on.

Luhan had Sehun wrapped tight around his fingers and Sehun might’ve had a hard time, but it was always worth it.

Sehun had always been the shy type. The gentle one who didn’t seem like he could harm anybody despite the default poker face he could never erase off. He couldn’t even drop the _hyung_ right after finding out Luhan was a full four years older than him until Luhan finally convinced him to. He couldn’t even be impolite, let alone be a complete asshole to his girlfriend.

The Sehun before seems like a complete stranger to him now.

It was even more prominent before Sehun and Luhan began dating. Back then, Sehun was only eighteen when he and Luhan exchanged text messages after he texted the number he had written on his cup. There was no denying that he had taken a liking on Luhan who always texted him a good morning and goodnight text. Sehun usually ignored them because he was too shy to give a text back.

Despite that, Sehun dropped by _Broken Record_ several times a week and ordered an assortment of caffeinated drinks despite thinking that coffee tasted like poison more often than not. He always asked for Luhan’s recommendation each time just to have something to talk about, which was coffee or vinyl records.

“Why don’t you ever reply to any of my text messages and yet still go here every day to chat as if you don’t ignore my texts?” Luhan asked a little over a week after Sehun started spending hours at the coffee shop. They were at a listening room and Luhan was picking on which record to play. Sehun was sipping on the iced Americano, forcing it down his throat and limiting its contact with his tongue.

(“I hate coffee so much. It’s fucking poison, I tell you.” Sehun told Jongin once he got back home and their parents were talking about letting Sehun rent the apartment Jongin’s parents owned near their university. Luhan’s good at making coffee. Sehun just can’t stomach the _acid_.)

Sehun didn’t know what to say so he smiled cheekily and blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “I almost never check my phone for messages.” he said. He was too embarrassed to admit that he was too shy and didn’t know what to say. It was different of course, in real life Sehun can talk about the coffee he’s drinking or the music that’s playing and that would be it. With text messages, it’s always a blank and there’d be nothing to talk about. _It’s just awkward._

Within a few weeks of meeting each other, Luhan invited Sehun to watch one of his gigs and he couldn’t have said no. Luhan liked electronic music and he was good at it even, so he played gigs on some nights. And after that, they would grab drinks and Sehun becomes more awkward than he usually is at such a place.

It wasn’t as if Sehun wasn’t used to drinking—he was. But what he was used to were simply drinking by the street or convenience store alcohol with his friends. The crowd Luhan was used to wasn’t the same. It was all bright lights in different colors and deafening music with beats that go in sync with the one encaged beneath his chest. Sehun’s always had a hunch that Luhan was used to this, sweat-slicked bodies grinding against each other, alcohol-driven minds and cigarette smoke as oxygen. People who were way too out of it to realize how much of a mess everything is on the outside.

Sehun isn’t so fond of it most especially when he’s sober. But being at a place like that felt so much like Luhan that he wanted to drown himself in shots so he’d be able to forget its shortcomings and focus on the fact that Luhan was within close proximity. They’re always _so_ close, Sehun would cling to him claiming that he doesn’t want to get lost even if Luhan’s more out of it than he is to even navigate their way in the dark with only the strobe lights leading the way.

Most of those nights, Luhan would invite Sehun back to his apartment after they’re done hopping from one club to another and there was nothing left to do but fix themselves up (sometimes not at all) before Luhan would fling himself and rest his bones on the bed. Barely even being able to point out to Sehun where he kept the spare mattress. But there was one time that they left just about because Luhan didn’t feel like partying that night.

In the morning, whenever he sees the corner in Luhan’s room in what he calls his studio, Sehun would usually ask Luhan to sing for him even though he knows he’ll decline and it isn’t just because of the hangover he was nursing. Weirdly enough, despite performing in fairly large crowds, Luhan only gets stage fright if there’s only one other person around. So Sehun never got to hear how Luhan sounded like at his makeshift studio whenever he sleeps over.

Until that night that is.

Maybe it was the slight buzz of the alcohol that made Luhan agree to Sehun’s request. He set up his equipment and started performing. It was a remix of two songs. One of G-dragon’s new songs, _That XX_ , the other one was a song Sehun couldn’t possibly recognize. Sehun wouldn’t when it’s in Chinese but it sounded so good on Luhan’s tongue. It was despite him not being able to hear his voice that well along with the instrumental and in some lines, the mic Luhan uses the make his voice sound robotic. It was as if—

“Sorry. I turned the wrong dial and got thrown out of loop. Ahh…” Luhan stopped, and pulled his hair out in frustration.

“You sounded good though.” Sehun said, hoping it would put Luhan to ease. It was the truth anyway. Luhan stilled at the compliment. “Make your voice louder this time, Lu.”

Luhan set up once again, and this time, he lowered the volume down making the softness of his voice evident. It was almost just the right balance for the music he made with his instruments and his voice harmonized together creating a beautiful melody. The voice changer lied at the side untouched and this was the most that Sehun’s heard his voice even if he’s seen him perform several times already. At the end of the song, Luhan put his hands on the table, away from his equipment. The last line echoed in the room, with just his voice stripped off from anything else.

_It was the most beautiful sound Sehun has ever heard in his life._

Sehun stood up from the swivel chair and stopped when he was only but a few inches away from Luhan, who was adamant in ignoring Sehun who was standing much too close for comfort.

Sehun could tell, Luhan isn’t confident with how his voice sounded like alone, so he layers it with synthetic beats and bass. So much that instead of having his music complement his voice, it overpowers it. He wasn’t aware that his voice was already beautiful in its rawest form.

“Your voice is beautiful, you know.”

Luhan laughed, playing it cool because Sehun knew there was nothing funny about what he just said. “Flattery won’t make me take the mattress so you can sleep on the bed though.”

“I mean it though.” Sehun said, which caught Luhan off guard and made him take a glance at Sehun who had a hint of a smile lingering on his lips.

It was Sehun however, who was caught off guard the next moment when Luhan kissed him. It was as if they were stuck in motion with their lips pressed together for seconds. It was then that Sehun knew it wasn’t the alcohol that made Luhan agree because he couldn’t taste the alcohol on his lips even when he slipped his tongue inside Luhan’s mouth.

“Let’s go to bed now.” Luhan whispered, right after he pulled away. There’s a hint of red dusted on his cheeks. Sehun was probably sporting the same look but Luhan wouldn’t have known that given that he was looking at anywhere but him.

That night, Luhan slept on his bed and Sehun on a mattress beside it. Luhan’s voice and the kiss replayed in Sehun’s mind like a broken record he never wanted to stop until he fell asleep.

The morning after, Sehun woke up with his face only a mere few inches away from Luhan’s own. He had one arm under Luhan’s head acting as a pillow and the other was wound tightly around his taut waist.  He doesn’t know how they got into such a position. But he was much too preoccupied to even care because Luhan’s lips brushed on his in a featherlike manner and it stayed there.

The contact sent jolts all around his body and that was when Luhan fluttered his eyes open. Seconds passed, before Sehun pressed his lips harder and Luhan didn’t think twice in reciprocating it. Maybe it was a dream. But Sehun could feel the warmth of Luhan’s body in his palm proving him otherwise.

It didn’t even matter that their mouths stunk of morning breath. Sehun’s lips were chapped and Luhan used too much tongue. Luhan’s thumb brushed circles on Sehun’s scarred cheek and Sehun ran his thumb over the bottom of Luhan’s lips where an age-old scar was etched and reminded Sehun that Luhan isn’t perfect during the times that he just sat down and watched Luhan work behind the counter of _Broken Record_ and deemed him ethereal.

Sehun knew Luhan is far from perfect, he drank too much and was much too enigmatic for his mind to figure out in moments. But Sehun isn’t perfect either, he couldn’t even stay at one place without looking so out of place and he would only let Luhan decide almost everything in this, _whatever they were in that moment,_ because he didn’t know what to do with it.

Sehun didn’t even know why he was falling for someone like Luhan. Someone who had neon colored hair and would rather drop out of studying music to pursue it. Someone who had the power to make Sehun do anything just to please him yet still be unaware of it. Someone who he couldn’t bring himself to be so open with because not a lot—not even his parents would ever approve of them being together.

Luhan is far from perfect, and Sehun isn’t as well. Together, they aren’t so much either. But the moment they were in, _was._

Once they needed to chase each other’s breaths, Sehun whispered, “Your voice is the most beautiful sound I’ve heard. I wouldn’t mind hearing it when you say yes if I ask you something.”

Luhan gulped, looking straight at Sehun he asked, “What is it?”  
  
Sehun took a deep breath and held Luhan’s cheek with his hand, “Will you go out with me?”

❂❂❂

The rooftop bar is called _HDlite_ . The place gives off a sophisticated vibe with warm luminosity and natural light even if the bar’s mostly open during the night and wee hours of the morning. It’s on the same building with a club under it and he can tell some of them came from there because they look like they’re trying to sober up at the place (although, trying to _not_ be drunk at a bar isn’t the best place to do that).

His about-to-be boss is a twenty-something’s giant (which he uses to his advantage to intimidate others). But it has no effect on Sehun seeing how he’s only an inch or two shorter than him. Sehun would give it a few months and he’ll probably grow taller than him (if that’s even possible anymore). Though, he’d rather not have that happen since he’ll most likely get fired if he doesn’t fit his boss’s ridiculous standard.

“My name is Park Chanyeol. But I’d like to be addressed as Park-sajangnim or just Boss.” Chanyeol says, offering his hand for a handshake.

Sehun didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of having to call him with honorifics. But he sucks it up anyway. _Do it for the job,_ Sehun tells himself. _For the job._ Sehun smiles and accepts the handshake. “Nice meeting you, Boss.”

Park Chanyeol leads Sehun to the bar first before leaving him for some business he has to take care of for a few minutes. He makes small talk with the two bartenders although he doesn’t catch their names. It doesn’t last because they’re off making drinks so Sehun’s back to observing the place.

The place is fairly large he observes, half of the place is roofed while the other only has the starless sky as a view once someone looks up. The air is thick with cigarette smoke though no one in the place seems to be bothered by it. It’s a rather chill place to go after work.

It even has a stage set up at the middle where there were a number of instruments set up, like the ones used for electronic music. Sehun would be familiar, he’s seen similar equipment before at Luhan’s place. Sehun turns his back at the stage and swivels the chair back to the front of the bar.

Park Chanyeol comes back five minutes later where they discuss the basics of working at the place. _It’s a four hour shift, six-to-ten in the evening, you have day-offs on Saturday and Sunday, no getting drunk until clocking out, no sex at the locker room, if someone introduces themselves as “Soo” and is looking for him tell them Park-sajangnim isn’t around, no dyeing your hair red (“You can’t be a redhead. You can’t be cute either.”) etc._ His about-to-be boss seems overwhelmingly overbearing that the only thing Sehun’s looking forward to is getting paid.

“You understand all the conditions? Do you accept?” Chanyeol asks once he’s done listing all the ridiculous rules he enforces.

Sehun adjusts the baseball cap on his head as he speaks, “Seems fair.”

Chanyeol cocks his head to the side with a smirk plastered on his face. “Have a drink before you go.” he says, laying a hand on Sehun’s shoulder. It takes all of his self-control not to shrug it off.

The crowd behind him cheers for whatever reason and Sehun can’t be bothered to turn around and see for himself. Chanyeol slides a shot glass at Sehun’s direction and calls for the bartender to fix something up.

 _“Hello, everybody.”_ Sehun freezes. The voice echoes in his mind even when he could no longer process the words when he’s so focused on the way it sounded like. The speaker becomes silent to be replaced with beats that started out subtle with abrupt stops before becoming stable with its rhythm. The sound, it was _too_ familiar. Sure, electronic music is common in a place like this. But Sehun felt this connection and every single nerve in his body is itching to turn around that he gave in to the pleasure to do just that.

Luhan has hair dyed a dirty shade of pink. His cheekbones, hallowed and prominent. He’s gotten thinner, Sehun notices. Seeing his ex after so long isn’t what Sehun expected it to be. There’s nothing but this void eating him from the inside. It was as if his mind is blocking all that he’s supposed to feel like a defense mechanism. What tells him that this is real is the tingling he feels on his skin and his heart beating its way out his chest. It’s like his lungs are begging for alcohol instead of oxygen so he can breathe.

_“We don’t talk anymore…”_

Sehun doesn’t recognize the song. But it’s the voice, _that voice_ that made his heart run on overdrive. It was as if his mind’s filtered the significantly loud electronic music to mute nothing out except his voice. It sounds so, _so_ beautiful.

Then Sehun remembers what day it was today. The twentieth of September. Today was supposed to be their fourth year anniversary.

He should stop. Luhan has a new boyfriend now. Someone who isn’t him, of course.

That’s when he spots someone with a kilowatt smile who was watching the same performance as him. He’s almost certain it was Kim Joonmyun sitting at a table just in front of the stage with a bouquet of flowers resting on top.

When he first found out Luhan’s already found someone to replace him with just a month after their breakup, it didn’t really hit him because he was on a constant high at that time to actually let it sink in. Being sober felt like his lungs were being crushed out of oxygen and he needed something, _anything_ to keep his thoughts at bay.

Everything’s all tangled up in his mind. He feels so weak.

_Why?_

Sehun turns his back from the stage even if doing that wouldn’t block his ears and stop whatever’s going on with himself. It’s like Luhan was speaking to him. He’s _always_ had that effect.

His inner turmoil doesn’t show too much other than how he takes the shot glass Chanyeol has filled with an alcoholic mixture straight down his throat. He could tell it was strong with how he felt a small kick turning him queasy before warmth replaces it and it just feels _so_ good.

Chanyeol fills his glass almost immediately and Sehun couldn’t have possibly refused.

“Can I have a cigarette too?” Sehun asks. Chanyeol looks at him warily like he’s putting him back to his place though Sehun remains unbeknownst to it as Chanyeol hands him the pack.

Sehun takes one and steals the lighter on the countertop and inhales.

Sehun’s in shock but at the same time, he isn’t. Maybe it’s because for months, the thought of Luhan has been haunting him. So much that seeing him in the flesh only made him put his guard up even higher instead of breaking down.

“Hey, boss.” Sehun asks, flicking the ashes off on the ashtray before dragging. “How often does he perform here?”

“You mean Luhan?” Sehun nods, tipping the glass to his mouth. Luhan’s gotten better with his equipment although he’s back to letting it overshadow his voice. “It’s a once a week thing. But he works as a server here too like you on regular days.”

Sehun almost spits the drink in his mouth. He swallowed before speaking to no one in particular, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“What is it that you’re saying, kid?” Chanyeol asks, voice showing offense. “You know him?”

 _“Don’t call me kid.”_ Sehun wanted to retort, but he bites it back in his tongue. He should learn to keep this job. _You’ve been fired twice,_ he reminds himself.

“I’m not sure.” Sehun lies. How Sehun wishes he brought earphones and let some girl group song blast in his ears rather than hearing Luhan perform. It feels like he was being burned in flames by an angel. He’s a mess. “I need to go soon though.”

“You start on Wednesday, kid.”

“Tomorrow is Wednesday.” Sehun grinds the cigarette on the ashtray. Luhan introduces the next song as he sets up his equipment. Sehun could recognize it was on original composition. He would know because Sehun was in the room when Luhan was arranging it.

“Exactly.” Chanyeol points out. Sehun empties his glass and closes his eyes, drowning his heart with the liquor. The music’s too nostalgic, he knows how it goes to heart.

Sehun isn’t staying for another song, that would be torture.

“I’ll be taking my leave now. Thank you for the job.” Sehun offers Chanyeol a handshake before hiding his face under a cap and walking down the stairs. It’s then that he checks his phone for messages. There’s one from Soojung, Jongin and Joohyun.

_ok then Im on my way to work wut r u up to?_

**8:20 PM**

_Hey fucker im at the club under HDlite if u want to get drunk l0l_

**10:44 PM**

_text me if ur on ur way back home_

**11:10 PM**

Sehun stops walking midway and replies to Soojung.

_I saw my ex tonight… today was supposed to be our 4 year anniversary i didn’t expect i’d see him today_

**11:29 PM**

He resumes walking and calls Jongin to ask where exactly he was as he steps inside the club. It’s a lot different from _HDlite_ with its dim lighting and strobe lights. The music’s deafening and the place is packed with bodies grinding against each other. He should’ve asked Jongin where he was outside because he can’t hear him through the music.

Luckily enough, Sehun finds Jongin sitting at a table full of strangers and Sehun’s sure he’s only met them tonight. Sehun sits down and a girl with his hair dyed platinum blonde offers him a drink which he accepts.

“Luhan.” he shouts to Jongin. There’s a mountain of cigarette butts in the middle of the table drenched in spilt cocktails and his eyes instinctively look for a pack.

“What?” Jongin shouts back. The same blonde girl points at the stick between her mouth and Sehun immediately gets it. He places the cigarette in between his lips and inches it closer to the one in her mouth. The end of the cancer stick glows before he drags.

  
“Luhan’s upstairs. We’re going to be co-workers.”

“Luhan-hyung?” Jongin laughs. “As in your ex?”

“Who else would I even be talking about?” Sehun hisses out. His light’s already dead end at the orange filter and he slips his hand inside the pack for another one. It’s _like_ he’s smoking to die.

Jongin laugh is manic as he hits the unsuspecting guy beside him who laughed along even if he doesn’t exactly know why. “I swear I didn’t know!”

Sehun lets loose with each drag and shot. No matter how much he’s consumed, it never seems to be enough. There was one other option he knows would knock his cravings out but there was none of it in reach. His chest feels like it's fluttering with every laugh he lets out from his mouth for whatever reason.

They stay only until two in the morning because Jongin has a class at eight A.M. and as much as Sehun wants to drown himself in alcohol and smoke, having to deal with the aftermath was a pain. As per usual, finding a cab that would take two overly drunk men was a struggle but they managed to get home safely, at least. Even with Sehun’s eyes closed half the time while he’s walking.

“Oh hey.” Jongin says in surprise as he opens the door. “Sehun, Joohyun-noona is here.”

The television is on though no movie is playing. Sehun only nods at Jongin, who retreats back to his room. Sehun taps Joohyun’s cheek gently with his palm and tries to jolt her awake.

“You haven’t left?” Sehun says, as soon as Joohyun was blinking her eyes repeatedly, adjusting to the darkness of the room. Once her mind registers that Sehun was talking to her, she sits right up.

“You’re always out drinking, huh?” Joohyun smiles like she’s so done with Sehun’s habits—habits she’s had to deal with since they started going out six months ago. She purses her lips before asking. “Can I sleep over?”

“You’re already sleeping, though.” Sehun comments. She rolls her eyes at that and pretends she’s annoyed even if she secretly likes it. It’s because Sehun’s playful when he’s drunk. So warm unlike his usual cold self when he’s sober.

Sehun offers to carry her, but Joohyun declines. Sehun couldn’t even walk two feet without stumbling and Joohyun would rather not take the risk. She makes herself comfortable on the bed and sits down with her back on the headrest and Sehun follows.

“You reek of alcohol.” Joohyun comments. Sehun’s shirt was already unbuttoned and he motions for her to take it off. So she does, and they’re so close that Joohyun can feel Sehun breathe on her skin. A staring game commences and Sehun doesn’t even know he initiated and he’s only noticed that they’re kissing when he slips his tongue into her mouth. Joohyun takes him by the neck and Sehun goes deeper as if searching for whatever he’s supposed to feel at the contact.

Joohyun’s hand is fisting on his undershirt and Sehun obliges as he takes it off and Joohyun’s hands were frantic on his bare abdomen.

Sehun feels nothing in his chest until Luhan’s voice started ringing in his head and suddenly his heartbeat’s at a rapid rate. It _feels_ so wrong. Sehun knows where this is going to lead if he doesn’t stop. He hasn’t went there with anyone but Luhan. He’s been with so many people ever since they broke up but whenever it gets to a point that they would have sex. Sehun would back out at the last minute. He just can’t bring himself to do it with somebody else.

And _damn it_ , he can’t stop thinking of Luhan.

“I’m going to take a shower.” Sehun says, untangling himself from Joohyun and stands up. He takes the towel hanging on the knob of his cabinet and locks himself at the bathroom. He slips of his pants and checks the phone inside the pocket for messages which he wasn’t able to check while he was too busy getting himself drunk. There’s one from Soojung.

_what did you feel_

**1:10 AM**

Sehun’s fingers were heavy on the screen as he types.

_Idk i went home and my girlfriend was still there we started kissing then i had to stop i couldnt stop thinking of him shes waiting on the bed right now i dont know i feel so fucked up_

**3:11 AM**

He lays the phone down on the countertop before turning the faucet on. Sehun slaps both of his cheeks a couple of times with cold water. Hoping it would alleviate the churning he feels in his stomach. He strips off his clothing and steps in the shower, the heat of the water hitting on his skin as if waking him up. It gets worse with each passing second, it was as if he was hearing Luhan’s voice whispering in his ear and he couldn’t help but touch himself and jack off at the shower like a pathetic loser who can’t move on.

Sehun feels relieved when he steps out of the shower. He picks his phone up. There’s a message from Soojung.

_do you still love him? your ex?_

**3:20 AM**

Sehun didn’t bother a reply and leaves the phone in the bathroom with a towel draped around his waist. He takes a pair of boxers in his dresser drawer and changes into it before slipping underneath the blanket beside Joohyun.

Luhan’s voice sticks in his mind serving as a lullaby—haunting him, like it always does.

Sehun tries so hard not to imaging it’s Luhan’s warm body snuggled comfortably on his chest as he sleeps.

❂❂❂

It wasn’t always Sehun who chased after Luhan whenever they fought. Sometimes, Luhan couldn’t keep on fighting anymore so he drops everything and goes out of his way just to find where Sehun was so they could stop whatever war they were in.

There was even a time when Sehun hid him from his parents deliberately. It wasn’t as if it hadn’t been the same for Luhan. But his parents weren’t around anyway so it wasn’t as if Luhan intended to hide him even if the question was raised.

Of course, give it to Sehun’s mother to show up at a bad time. They were making out at the couch that time when they took notice of the beeping sound indicating that someone was trying to enter the apartment. It couldn’t have possibly been Jongin because he just left an hour ago for work.

The two of them had less than a minute to arrange themselves as much as they can with swollen lips, dusted red cheeks and disheveled hair. They sat at both ends of the couch when Sehun’s mother shows up with a girl who Luhan doesn’t know but Sehun seems to recognize.

Sehun’s mother shot the two of them suspicious looks before she pulled Sehun out for a little talk.

“Luhan’s just a friend. We had spicy ramen for breakfast then we started playing tag then we got into a wrestling match.” Luhan overheard in their conversation. His excuse was laughable but it was enough for his mother to believe it. Luhan felt his heart drop in his chest and it showed with his silent demeanor.

It was even worse when Sehun’s mother attempted to play matchmaker with Sehun and the girl who just so happened to have been a childhood friend. Sehun even mused the idea and entertained her as if he was interested (at least, that’s what Luhan understood from the scene which Sehun explained he was just being polite).

Luhan stormed out of Sehun’s apartment midway, leaving with a proper goodbye to his mother and none for Sehun. Sehun stopped trying to contact him after one night and they weren’t in contact for two days. Luhan couldn’t handle it so he turned up at his door on the third day and said it was okay even if Sehun has to hide him from his parents. He can’t stand not being with Sehun.

Later that night, Luhan wrote Sehun a song and a thousand words of an apology like he always did when making amends.

It had been like that several times already. It didn’t matter where Sehun was, he had to go find him even if it was harder in the occasional times that Sehun would ignore Luhan during a fight. There was even a time Sehun was at Jeju Province and Luhan had to wait at the airport to catch the nearest flight to the island so he can beg Sehun to not be mad at him anymore.

The last it had happened was three days before their third year anniversary where he sent a lengthy text message and he had written an apology letter before he stormed off to Sehun’s apartment. The days after were spent with bliss. It was a peaceful time, no matter how short-lived it had been.

They fought the next day of their anniversary. Sehun didn’t even remember what was the reason and he didn’t have the time to talk it out and go to Luhan’s apartment or university given his packed schedule. It took them a week before Sehun went to Luhan’s apartment after his exams were done with a paper bag filled with seven avocados. A cheesy line scribbled outside saying, “AVOCADON’T LEAVE ME.” in screaming red and capital letters.

They had sex that night and fought two days later.

❂❂❂

Sehun wakes up earlier than expected at seven o’clock in the morning and the first thing he does is check his phone of any messages. There’s one from Joohyun.

The text he gets from Joohyun is just a bunch of reminders of what he should do to ease the hangover. _She really acts like a mom._ He presses the back button once he’s done reading her message and then proceeds to backread his conversation with Soojung. Sehun decides to muse her with a reply which doesn’t answer her question from last night.

_hey sorry i fell asleep on you last night... morning soojung_

**7:10 AM**

Sehun locks the phone and stands up. His head feels like it’s being split open and maybe he should take a pill to alleviate the pain. But he has to eat first, though. Sehun heads to the bathroom to freshen up once he’s done popping out the knots at his back before walking to the kitchen. His stomach feel empty and he’s hoping they have real food left for him to wolf down on.

“Joohyun-noona made us seaweed soup and rice for breakfast before she had to leave for work.” Jongin says, as soon as he spots Sehun walking out from the door of his room. Sehun sits down at the breakfast nook where there’s an empty spot with rice and soup prepared for him in bowls. Joohyun’s probably left it for him.

“She’s a keeper, you asshole. What good thing did you even do to deserve her.” Jongin tells him. Sehun chooses to ignore him and takes the utensils in his hand and binges himself on rice and soup as if he hasn’t eaten for days.

Soojung doesn’t text back even after an hour has passed. Sehun assumes maybe she’s still asleep or busy with whatever job she has. Jongin’s already left for class, and he’s back to being alone and without anything to entertain him, Sehun decides to spend the rest of the day asleep until he has to wake up for his new job.

It’s not something he looks forward to. Sehun contemplates if he could get his boss to arrange him to take on shifts where Luhan won’t be around but that’s probably too much of a reach. It’s just a four-hour shift. But still… is Sehun ready to work alongside with his ex? Sure he’s seen him last night and nothing disastrous happened as he was able to handle it just fine. But of course, it was different when Luhan would see him now and they’re forced to interact at the workplace.

 _Fuck it,_ he thinks. _The hell with it._ He’ll just try not to get fired and do his job right even with Luhan around. It’s not that much of a big deal. So what if Luhan was a co-worker? He shouldn’t let that ruin his job performance.

Sehun drapes a towel over his shoulder and checks his phone before entering the bathroom. There’s a text message from Soojung.

_i had an ex too… we were tgt for years b4 he broke up w me. hes rlly tall :p_

**3:33 PM**

It’s new. Soojung hasn’t exactly shared anything about herself like that. Sehun types and his thumb hovers over the send button before pressing.

_do you still love him???_

**4:33 PM**

_its no fair u didnt answer my question b4 answer me first :p_

**3:34 PM**

Sehun doesn’t bother a reply back. He tosses the phone to the bed and takes a shower.

Once Sehun got to _HDlite_ , Chanyeol made him sign a few documents and gets him a change of clothes before shoving him to the locker room. His boss is obnoxiously elated even when Sehun’s face doesn’t show even a sliver of emotion.

Business is slow on a weekday and the sun was still up. No one is drunk yet, as far as Sehun’s observed and most of the people who were here came to eat. Sehun’s only noticed this because his vision’s all over the place waiting for Luhan to show up. When he notices that it was Luhan emerging from the flight of stairs, he quickly grabs a towel and keeps himself busy with the table.

From his peripheral vision, Sehun can see Luhan stop at his tracks. He can feel the pair of eyes boring holes at his skin. He pays no heed to it as he continues to wipe the counter even if it doesn’t actually need any cleaning.

“Sehun?” Luhan blurts out in disbelief. Sehun stills at the voice. It’s been so long since the last time he’s heard him call his name and his stomach’s churning as it echoes in his mind. The door from the kitchen flips open and the bartender steps out and greets Luhan.

“Hey, Luhan! We’ve got a new kid to help us around. The _‘Sehun’_ boss was talking about the other day.” he said. So Luhan knew he was going to work here? Maybe he didn’t think he’d be the same Sehun so he was still shocked. Sehun doesn’t know what to feel, he wouldn’t when he keeps it locked up inside that even he doesn’t know what to do with it.

“Hey.” Sehun says, he throws it as nonchalant as he can even if his voice gave away the nervousness he feels inside. He goes back to wiping the table and Luhan goes to the lockers to change.

Sehun spends the rest of the shift feeling jitters creeping all over his body just by being within close proximity as Luhan though he tries his best to will it away. He can’t explain it, so he just pretends it doesn’t exist. Luhan seems to be doing the same. That’s just how it is now. _Strangers._


	2. side a; track two

Right on the dot, Sehun finds refuge inside the locker room where changes out of his work clothes. He opens his designated locker and takes the shirt in his hand. Before Sehun can cover his shirtless torso, the door opens and— _ fuck. _ It just had to be Luhan. 

 

There’s a small smile curved on his lips and Sehun nods at the gesture before slipping the shirt on with hasty fingers. Sehun shoves the shirt inside the locker and Luhan speaks just when he was about to close it.

 

"What a coincidence, right?" Luhan says, initiating the conversation. Sehun stops in motion, and his hand falls limp to rest on the edge of his locker left ajar. Sehun nods and realizes that it's no good given that Luhan won't be able to see it since they weren't exactly seeing eye to eye. So Sehun musters up his voice to respond.

 

"Yeah, Jongin helped me get this job," Sehun says. Silence ensues once again. It takes a toll on Sehun's breathing. He wants to get out. 

 

Luhan speaks after seconds, “We’re okay, right? We can be friends here if that’s okay…”

 

“I’m okay with friends…” Sehun says, even though he’s not. He should be, though. But the thought of being friends irked him so much. He should’ve let the conversation die at that but Sehun just couldn’t keep his lips shut.

 

"How is your boyfriend like?" the question slips off Sehun's tongue when it ran in his mind and he wishes so much that he can shove it back in his mouth. Sehun doesn't dare look back. Talking to Luhan with his eyes set straight on the nearly empty locker was torture enough.

 

The shock is evident in his voice. “How’d you know about Joonmyun?” Luhan says. Sehun can hear the sound of Luhan opening his locker.

 

“Oh. I was actually here last night when you were performing. I saw him with flowers and cheering you on.” He rests his forehead on the steel. Sehun purses his lips before speaking once again. “You’re still good at what you do.”

 

“You were? You should’ve said hi. Why didn’t you?” Luhan asks. The small talk is painfully awkward. Luhan should’ve known better than to ask when he should already know the answer to that.

 

“I had somewhere to be. I couldn’t stay until the end.” Sehun lies, white dripping all over the words. Dead air fills in the room once again and he wonders if this is going to happen with each period-ending sentence.

 

"How about you, though?" Luhan asks him back.

 

“Me what?”

 

“How is your girlfriend like?”

 

It’s Sehun’s turn to be shocked this time. “You know about Joohyun?”

 

"Oh, so you have one?" Luhan's laugh sounds forced, although it seems as if he's trying hard not to make it too obvious. Sehun tries not to think too much of it. "I was just guessing."

 

Sehun couldn’t help but think how much time could change everything. Just last year, they could finish each other’s sentences. But now all their sentences ended with a question mark because they don’t know anything about their new lives apart from each other.

 

It’s tearing him apart.

 

Sehun didn't feel like answering the question. Luhan didn't answer his either. Sehun was dipping his feet in boiling water and he's so close to the edge. Sehun should stop. "You know it was supposed to be our fourth year anniversary yesterday…"

 

Silence. Dead air. Lack of things to say. It clenches down on his throat, disabling him from breathing.

 

“I know…” Luhan whispers. It was barely audible but it made Sehun’s heart skip a beat. Luhan shuts the door of his locker. “I have to go now, Sehun. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

 

Sehun lets out the breath he’s been holding.

 

Once Sehun’s walking down the stairs out of the rooftop bar, he goes to the club downstairs once again. Sehun drowns his heart with alcohol as he danced and let the strobe lights take him in and out of consciousness. Hours later, he's in the backseat of someone's car and there were two girls draping on his body. The feeling of the moving automobile was oddly satisfying as they passed around a joint. He had been making out with one of the two girls he was with though he doesn't remember who. Maybe, both. He's almost certain the guy seated at the shotgun had some fun with him too back at the club.

 

_ What was he doing? _

 

They were laughing but the sound he hears felt distant and his head was spinning more than it should have. He takes a drag from the joint and notices it’s not of quality kind. Fire crept up in his throat that Sehun wanted to scratch it out. It wasn’t a good kind of feeling but he still cackled loud enough so he can pretend he’s up there in the clouds.

 

But there's only so much he can take before he asks them if they can drop him off near his apartment. The car pulled over on the main road close enough for a few minutes walk to his apartment.  _ It was a good night. I had fun. See you around. Keep in touch. Let’s go for a drink next time.  _ Empty promises were thrown around before Sehun began to walk back home. He kept his distance from any passerby he encounters knowing how strong the smell has rubbed off on him.

 

Sehun steps inside the lobby and heads straight to the elevator. He presses 12 and once he gets there, he heads on over to the staircase and sits down. He winces and hits his head several times on the concrete wall; literally trying to hit some sense into it but it obviously wouldn’t work.

 

Sehun can't keep still. Inside and out, it feels like he was being burned by this turmoil and he wishes so much he can just shut it down. He slips his hand into the pocket of his jeans and shakily types a message to Soojung.

 

_ i dont think im over him soojung-ah… i think im still in love with him… how about u? _

**10:33 PM**

 

The sensation becomes more bearable, knowing that someone else knew what has been boggling his mind for hours. His heart was on an overdrive and he’s just so tired. But every single nerve in his body says that he isn’t. It was _ torture. _

 

_ i think i still love him _

**10:45 PM**

 

Sehun feels relieved to know that someone knows how it feels like. But then he shakes his head.  _ No _ . What Sehun feels—what Sehun  _ has been _ feeling since the day he and Luhan were over, was on a different level. Sehun can’t explain it. It hadn’t been just a breakup to him. It was something that left him crawling on the pieces of what once was, and who he was for months on end. As if he was searching for a way to piece himself back together in substances that helped him detox his poisoned mind.

 

The tears come down in tidal waves and he wonders when he’ll stop being miserable for a person who probably considers him now only as a thought that visits him once in awhile. It’s nothing in comparison as to how Luhan continues to poison his mind whenever he thinks he’s getting better and getting his life back together.

 

Sometimes he thinks, Luhan’s someone who was constant in his mind, like a broken record reminding him that the past isn’t something he can bring back. That maybe Luhan is a scar that won’t ever heal and that if it wasn’t Luhan, then Sehun just won’t love again because he just  _ can’t. _ No matter how painful it is to be reminded that things won’t go back to the way it was.

 

And Sehun’s already accepted that it’s the kind of pain he can live with. 

 

Sehun doesn't know if that’s any better. 

 

He's done so well in pretending he's okay. The phantom wounds break free from the band-aid that's tried so hard to conceal grotesque sight of how he really is.  _ For now,  _ Sehun tells himself.  _ Just for now let your guard down. _

 

Sehun doesn’t know how long he stayed at the staircase before he retreats back to his unit. Sehun still had his phone in his hand, he’s been talking to Soojung though he doesn’t recall what their topic is but he still types away. Joohyun’s sending him messages and calls him every ten minutes or so but Sehun ignores all of it.

 

He types in the passcode and when he twists the doorknob open, it doesn’t even take Sehun by surprise when he sees Joohyun sitting on the sofa just as he steps inside the apartment.

 

"Hey, Bae." Sehun greets, there is a smirk lingering on his lips. Joohyun doesn't look amused but she stands up and takes the few steps until he's in front of Sehun.

 

“You were out drinking again?” she points out. “It’s 5 AM, Sehun. You could’ve replied or answered my calls.”

 

Joohyun’s face scrunches up and it’s then that Sehun knows she’s taken a whiff from the potent smell stuck on Sehun’s clothes and skin. She chooses not to comment on that and stares at his chest.

 

"There's a lipstick stain on your shirt," she says, laying her hand on the cloth soiled with a shade of bright red, a remnant of his infidelity. Her face falls and Sehun wasn't sure if her eyes were glistening because he's still buzzed from all that he's consumed during the past few hours and the lights were dim.

 

"I want to sleep now," Sehun says instead.

 

“Take a shower first, you stink.”

 

“Do I?” he says playfully. “Do I smell like weed? You hate that more than smoke.”

 

Joohyun doesn’t say anything but she helps Sehun walk to the bedroom where she strips him off his clothes save for his boxers. He kept whining about his aching stomach so Joohyun made him a sandwich he devoured on. 

 

He was still sending messages to Soojung at this point. Even when Joohyun gets back from the bathroom with a tub filled with water and a towel. He doesn’t stop even when Joohyun started wiping a damp towel on his skin. “Can you put it down for awhile? I’m trying to—Can’t you stop that? I’m trying to take care of you yet you don’t even cooperate. I didn’t even say anything else about that lipstick stain on your shirt, the least you can do is at least pay attention when you’re with me. You’re too much.”

 

Sehun’s face scrunches in distaste, he’s taken aback. It’s unlike of her to say such things and he didn’t like how she talked as if she owned him. Nobody has the power to control him. Not even her. But despite that, he follows her request and tosses the phone on the bed; albeit laughing right after, tainted with mock.

 

“I’m too much?” Sehun scoffs. The words that followed were venomous with grit. “We’re not exclusive. We already agreed I can go see other people and you could go see other people too. I’m not your fucking property.”

 

"I know you don't care about me but will you take care of yourself please? I always have to clean up after you," Joohyun says after a few seconds. Her voice sounded small. Sehun should stop it at that but blood was pulsing in his veins and he just couldn't. 

 

“I never asked you to clean up after me.” Sehun spits. Joohyun takes her hand away from wiping Sehun’s skin. There’s a smile on her face; her lips quivering. It was as if she was wearing a mask and the cracks began to open up, showing a side Sehun’s never seen from her.

 

For a split second, he sees himself in Joohyun again. The him when he was with Luhan. It  _ almost  _ makes him step down but his pride took over.

 

“I guess you never did, huh? What am I even doing here? Maybe I should just end this.” Joohyun was raising her voice though it breaks at the last syllable.

 

“Fine. You can go end this. You have my blessing.” Sehun says. Joohyun was silent. Sehun will regret this perhaps, in the morning with a clear head. But he won’t do anything about it like how he had been doing for the past six months.

 

“You know what?” Joohyun says. She has finally snapped, it’s the first time she sounds this furious—that is until she takes a deep breath and sighs, defeated. “I can’t. I know I deserve better but I can’t.”

 

Joohyun hands the wet towel to Sehun and walks out the door. She stops when he sees Jongin standing by the doorstep but continues to walk out of the apartment right after saying a goodnight. Jongin’s still standing by the door and Sehun doesn’t even know why he’s awake at such an hour.

 

“You think Joohyun-noona doesn’t get hurt whenever you find someone else to play with?” Jongin speaks. Sehun doesn’t respond because he  _ does _ know. 

 

“You know right? You aren’t cheating but you know she’s hurting. I don’t even know if that’s any better than cheating behind her back. I just wanted to let you know you’ve been an insufferable asshole for almost a year and I’ve been dealing with it for so long and although I pity her, I am forever grateful for her who chose to stick with a jerk like you. Let’s be honest, Joohyun-noona could do so much better than you.”

 

Jongin really does nag him more than his mother ever did. 

 

“If you don’t want to be with her. Just end it.” Jongin says, ending his litany. 

 

He was about to close the door when—

 

“I don’t think I have moved on from Luhan…” Sehun says. It’s the first time he’s said it out loud to anyone who actually knows him.

 

"We live in the same apartment. Even if you don't tell me this I would know. You've become too weak because of Luhan, Sehun." Jongin closes the door. Sehun’s left to sit dumbfounded on the bed for a few minutes, just trying to process what just happened. 

 

No one thinks he was good enough for Joohyun. Luhan didn’t think he was good enough for him. Maybe Sehun’s become too weak,  _ too broken _ beyond repair.

 

Maybe he’s just never going to be good enough. Not to himself, not to anyone.

 

❂❂❂

 

Sehun wasn't so sure when it started. When the messages dwindled down and his workload in all of his subjects had piled up on his shoulders at an exponential rate. It was too much for him to handle that Sehun had to spend less and less time with Luhan just so he'd be able to cope up with his studies.

 

Sehun had been so busy that a week passed and he and Luhan weren’t able to see each other until Luhan came at his door and asked if he had free time. Sehun hadn’t planned on doing anything until the evening so he agreed to go out with Luhan.

 

It wasn't that hard to tell that Luhan was behaving strangely. He was extremely quiet at that time even if he was the one who wanted to spend time with Sehun. It was like he wanted to tell Sehun something but kept biting it back at the tongue as he backpedaled.

 

Sehun didn’t think too much of it. They went to _ Broken Record _ where Luhan used to work at and they hid inside a listening room where they played an orange disc. Once Sehun dropped the needle, Luhan pulled him in for a kiss.

 

_ A tornado flew around my room before you came _ _   
_ _ Excuse the mess it made, it usually doesn't rain _

 

There was  _ something _ definitely wrong. They weren’t exactly alone and someone could just slide the door open and walk in on them making out. It hadn’t been something Sehun was used to, because what he was used to hiding behind locked doors. 

 

It wasn’t that they were hiding their relationship to everyone else. But they’ve always been subtle about it. They’ve never denied their relationship if someone asked except for when it had been Sehun’s mother who did. They were just used to being extra careful when it came to being intimate with the danger of others finding out.

 

Despite that, Sehun pressed his lips harder on Luhan’s, hoping his worries would fly out of the window.  He pinned Luhan down on the wall but didn’t notice that there had been a frame that his hand bumped into—which fell and shattered. The shards of glass and the broken vinyl scatter on the floor and it was loud enough to be heard from the outside that not even a minute later, a worker slid the door open to check on them.

 

Sehun had to pay for it. He was the one who broke it after all. He was just thankful it wasn’t the one that was beside it that he broke which was a Beatles vinyl and it would’ve most likely costed more than the one that he had to pay for.

 

Once they got out of the cafe, Sehun couldn't pinpoint what had been the reason as to why it felt like his neck was at a chokehold with the tension wrapped around the air within close proximity. It was a blur, Sehun doesn't even remember who started it, maybe it had been the both of them. Their fight escalated with such a rapid pace. First, they were talking about what happened at  _ Broken Record _ and suddenly they were throwing each other’s flaws against each other.

 

Nothing Sehun wasn’t used to, but he’s had enough and he had to end it saying that he still had a project to do and despite Luhan demanding otherwise, Sehun was sick of it. 

 

They parted ways, arguments unsettled.

 

As soon as Sehun got back at the apartment, he released his pent up frustration by burying himself with his university workload. Once he was done, he played a recording of Luhan’s voice saved on his phone before going to sleep. Luhan had sent him this one for their second year anniversary. It was the same one playing when they were making out at _ Broken Record. _

 

_ Yes of course I remember, how could I forget how you feel? _

_ You know you were my first time, a new feel _

 

His phone beeped. Sehun took the phone in his hand to check what it was. It was a text message from Luhan.

 

_ ‘are we still together or not?’  _ it read. Sehun didn’t even know where the question came from. Of course, Sehun still wanted to be with him. It had always been Luhan,  _ only _ Luhan. 

 

But he didn't send that, of course. His pride was getting the best of him because he wasn't so sure if Luhan still wanted to be with him.

 

_ ‘up to you if u still want to’  _ he sent.

 

Sehun didn’t hear from Luhan after that. He sent a text to Luhan first thing in the morning and before he slept the next day, still there was no response. That’s when he realized that Luhan had blocked his number  _ again _ . So Sehun sent some of Luhan’s friends a message asking them about Luhan and there was one message that squeezed his chest in the most uncomfortable way.

 

_ ‘he said the two of u broke up… what happened?’  _ the text message read.

 

Sehun had to read it several times to make sure that he was reading it right. No matter how many times they fought, Luhan’s never mentioned even once that they were over.  _ Not to him, not to anyone. _ It struck a chord and his chest felt constricted.

 

_ ‘are we still together or not?’  _ Sehun read Luhan’s last text message to him all over again before he sent a reply.

 

_ ‘can u try and tell him to unblock me even for just a moment… please’  _ Sehun sent. 

 

Two days later, the same friend told him that Luhan would be at a Megabox movie theater that night and wished him good luck. Sehun didn't know why there was this thought burning at the back of his mind that he can't seem to shrug off. It's like he knew things would go downhill from then on but he still went. He borrowed Jongin's phone just in case he needed to contact Luhan because he couldn't do so on his own when his number was blocked.

 

It was already December, and the temperature’s been dropping as each day passed. He was clad in a turtleneck sweater and a baseball cap as he waited at the lobby of the cinema, eyes wandering. He had been waiting for hours already and was starting to think he had missed him. That was until he saw his familiar figure emerging from one of the cinemas. Just when Sehun was about to approach him, he noticed that Luhan wasn’t alone. 

 

It was no mistake. He was with someone, a man who had his arm hung loosely on Luhan’s waist. Sehun took a step back and watched. They seemed too close to be considered friendly and he was right when said man pecked Luhan’s lips swiftly he would’ve missed if he blinked.

 

But he didn't miss it, the image burned in his mind and it was the only thing that he saw whenever he blinked.

 

Sehun never got to kiss Luhan like that around so many people.

 

Sehun waited for the man to go before he decided to dial Luhan’s number. Once it started to ring, it took a while before Luhan realized someone was calling him. 

 

_ Pick up. _

 

He checked the Caller ID and stared at it. He was seeing Jongin’s name there and he must’ve already had a hunch that it was Sehun.

 

Luhan picked up.

 

“Luhan…” Sehun asked, not bothering to beat around the bush. His voice didn’t falter even if he felt himself breaking to a point that holding himself up to stand was a struggle. “Where are you?”

 

"Is this Sehun?" he asked, stopping in his tracks.

 

“Yeah. I’m in your apartment. I thought you’d be home by now.” he lied.

 

“I’m out with a few friends.” 

 

A teardrop fell from his left eye like it's been waiting for Luhan to lie like he knew it himself that he was bound to get hurt but Sehun had been foolish enough to ignore the warning signs. His legs gave way, and he had to sit down just so he wouldn't fall on the floor like a pathetic piece of mess.

 

_ Luhan was lying. _

 

Sehun clasped one hand over his mouth, muffling his cries in his pursed lips. Nothing registered in his mind.  _ This isn’t real, _ he thought.

 

“Sehun?” Luhan said, which brought him back to earth. Sehun picked himself up, preparing himself for what was to come, though, he supposed he’d never be ready for it.  _ It had been too soon. _

 

“This is how it is then?” Sehun asked through gritted teeth. “We’re just going to lie to each other from now on, huh?”

 

“What are you saying…” Luhan asked, clearly bewildered. Sehun wasn’t so sure, his mind was a mess at that time. He just wanted  _ whatever _ it was to end. 

 

Sehun was tired.

 

“Sehun…” Luhan whispered, low with caution as if he’s caught on.

 

“I’m at Megabox right now. Looking at you from a few meters away…  _ lying to me _ .” Sehun said. It was then that Luhan visibly tensed as his eyes scanned the vicinity. It didn’t take him long before he spotted Sehun.

 

Sehun ended the call and let his arm fall on his lap before standing up. It felt like seconds turned into minutes when Luhan stepped closer to him until they were in front of each other. Not once did they break eye contact. The expression Luhan had in his eyes—it was regret. It was sorry. It was none that Sehun wished he had seen.

 

Everything was all tangled up in his mind. He felt so weak.

 

_ Why? _

 

"I'm tired, Lu," he said, no longer being able to handle the look Luhan was giving him. Sehun wasn't going to fall for that, either. Sehun let out a deep breath, he was surprised he still had it in him to talk without his voice breaking but it didn't last long because the next words came out from the deep, as if he was pushing out his choked voice. 

 

“I can’t go on like this. Let’s just end this…” The words were stuck in his throat. There was nothing left to say. “Please…”

 

Deep inside, Sehun wished so much that Luhan would’ve fought for him. Begged him to stay like he usually did when he couldn’t take the silent treatment anymore. It was so much better than what Luhan said next that haunted him in the next few months.

 

“Okay.”

 

Luhan didn’t even try to stop him. Sehun was first to walk out the door, the cold winds of the Winter air hit him gently and yet it felt so ruthless.

 

_ This was the end. _

 

Sehun wasn't sure how he got back home in one piece. Every inch of the apartment reminded him of Luhan and his hands became so destructive that Jongin had to drag him elsewhere before the unit would become more of a mess than it already was. He drowned his heart with alcohol that night and the next ones that came after.

 

He was such a wreck, a vulnerable piece of mess. There was even a time he became sick for a week and didn’t make it to class because his stomach refused to digest anything that he ate, even if he barely even did. He threw up all that there was inside of him, and even that only felt like a pinch as compared to having to live with the fact that he and Luhan were over.

 

Sehun took a leave of absence at school once the semester ended. He had barely even passed his finals during the Fall Semester. He reckoned it was time for him to do things he wasn't able to do because of Luhan. Jongin took him out to party almost every night and although the scene of colorful blinding lights and ear-splitting boom of electronic music reminded him too much of Luhan, it was better than spending his time alone in his room.

 

He found out Luhan had a new boyfriend a month later and it gets worse from there. 

 

Smoking became something his lungs depended on, he had never felt the need to have the stick become a habit but the drag just felt so good in his chest. It kept the anxiety boiling down in his mind slow for a moment even if it wasn’t enough. He even ventured in sharing meaningless kisses with whoever was willing to shove their tongues down each other’s throats.

 

It was around those months that he discovered what helped him make it through the night with ease. He was at a motel room with a bunch of strangers. One of the girls were rolling a substance in a white sheet of paper. Sehun wasn’t drunk enough to not know what they were doing, he knew what he was putting himself in. But he couldn’t have cared less.

 

Sehun felt woozy at first. He coughed several times, constricting his chest.  _ “You’re doing it wrong,” _ they had said. Sehun tried it for a second time. Just drag, inhale, repeat until everything felt lighter and he was craving for something he couldn’t put a finger on.

 

It _ felt  _ so good.

 

Until he had to go back to earth, that is.

 

On nights he decides on sobriety, Sehun couldn't stop reaching for anything but air and empty sheets before he slept because he hoped maybe he'd be able to feel the warmth of Luhan's skin in the ghost of his memories. 

 

Sober or not, Sehun couldn't stop but reminisce what once was with so much material to remember him by. There were so many in his phone, Sehun couldn't bring himself to delete them even if it was hogging up his memory card. And handwritten letters and polaroids hid inside a huge box under his bed which he tried so hard not to open.

 

When he was outside, there were times he couldn't stop himself from break down while he was around bodies he was barely even acquainted with that he had to lock himself inside a bathroom stall and let the tears fall down as he choked down on the sobs and he has to throw up with his lungs lacking air.

 

The only way to alleviate the pain and make him forget depended on the rolled up blunt. With it, he can pretend that it's alright. When he's up there, nothing can hurt him and everything feels so good until he has to go back down again. He couldn't help but romanticize a drug that was slowly deteriorating who he had been before all the mess.

 

But even then, Sehun would still play the recordings he had of Luhan's voice before he slept because it's the closest he can get to talking to him. His favorite, though, will always be the last one that played on their last date.

 

_ It will never get old, not in my soul, not in my spirit, keep it alive _ _   
_ _ We'll go down this road 'til it turns from color to black and white _

 

And then he’s reminded once again that it was over. Three years and three months, and so many years that Sehun had in his head and now— _ nothing.  _ Now, it’s just him, wondering if Luhan ever thought of him at night like he had been, ever since they parted.

 

Luhan’s a song he can’t bring his mind to erase. A song haunting Sehun’s mind like a broken record, again and again.

 

❂❂❂

 

Sehun dreads Thursdays because it’s the designated day for him and Jongin to go grocery shopping. Jongin doesn’t have classes that day and he took it upon himself to drag Sehun to the supermarket. It’s something Sehun can’t stand because he doesn’t really have anything that he wants to eat so he’d rather have someone else do the shopping. It’s not like they actually buy real food except when Jongin gets an epiphany and realizes it’s time to eat healthy.

 

(“Sehun, we can’t just eat pizza all the time. We have to eat veggies too!”

 

“Pizza’s a vegetable, Jongin.”)

 

It’s a waste anyway when they do buy anything healthy since the both of them don’t bother with cooking anything but eggs or instant ramen when they’re sick of takeaway. If it wasn’t for Joohyun, they’d end up getting spoiled since she’s the only one who uses the kitchen to fix something up that’s any good to their fast-food induced bodies. 

 

Sehun has reasoned before that he could just get Joohyun to buy them their groceries since the both of them don’t actually care about their diet and it’s better to let someone who actually cares do it. Besides, she’s bought them groceries before too and Sehun didn’t even need to ask. 

 

But Jongin refuses every time and tells him that he can't just do that.  _ Thursday is grocery shopping day,  _ Jongin insists. He owns the apartment anyway and he could kick Sehun out if he wanted to. So Sehun sucks it up and has to spend the morning at a grocery store instead of sleeping.

 

Jongin's left Sehun with the cart to go elsewhere and told him to stay where he was. He was probably heading to the vegetable section to stare at potatoes and most likely got distracted along the way passing by the pets section to compare dog food brands (even though they don't have a dog in their apartment).

 

So Sehun’s left alone to stare at fruit juice aisle and wheel his cart back and forth in boredom.

 

“Oh Sehun?” Sehun hears the voice from behind so he looks back to see a girl approaching him. There’s an ear-splitting grin plastered on her face and Sehun was baffled with why she was greeting him with such an expression. Once she was near, it’s then that he recognizes who she was.

 

“Oh. Hey, Seulgi.” Sehun greets, without a hint of enthusiasm. Some may consider it rude. But for those who know him, it’s just something they’re already used to. He takes his attention back to admire the shelves filled with cartons of fruit juice. 

 

Seulgi’s one of Joohyun’s friends.

 

“How are you and Joohyun-eonnie?” she asks, once she was near enough to have her own cart be beside Sehun’s.

 

"We're good," Sehun tells her. The smile masking her smug expression falls back into a smirk. Seulgi doesn't exactly like him for Joohyun. She once told Joohyun in front of Sehun's face that he was a  _ “fuckboy whose body count of the people he’s fucked with was higher than his CSAT score”  _ Sehun didn't take offense and told her he's a clean fuckboy if that was the case.

 

“Are you really?” she asks, sarcasm evident in the tone of her voice. She’s probably heard that Joohyun stormed out on him last night. It’s like the beginning of a rant that Sehun would rather not be around to hear.

 

Just another reason why Sehun doesn’t like grocery shopping day. 

 

"I don't know if I should tell you this but eonnie's upset with you," she says. To his surprise, maybe she hasn't caught wind of it. Otherwise, her tone would be less forgiving. "It was your monthsary the other day. I don't remember when exactly. But it was this week."

 

Sehun pauses before pushing the grocery cart slowly. He wonders if he can find a way to escape. "I know." he lies. He isn't aware of it at all and maybe he should care but he doesn't want to give Seulgi the satisfaction that her plans on guilt tripping him are working.

 

“You know Joohyun-eonnie isn’t seeing anyone else but you.”

 

“I’m not seeing anyone else either.” Sehun reasons, he doesn’t mention the handful of people he’s made out with for a night.

 

“Aren’t you sick of that? Don’t you think she deserves better?” Seulgi points out.

 

"She does deserve better," Sehun says. He wants the conversation to end already and he hopes Seulgi would let him drop it at that.

 

"Then make it exclusive then," she says in finality like a challenge. They become silent for the next few seconds before Sehun speaks.

 

“What cranberry juice do you think I should buy?” Sehun asks, diverting away from the topic. He’d rather leave it at that. It’s too early for him to think about his relationship with Joohyun.

 

"Why would I care about what cranberry juice you should buy?" Seulgi says, almost in disbelief that Sehun chose to ignore her suggestion. Fortunately enough, she doesn't try to bring the conversation back up and drops a carton of apple juice in her cart. "You should try Happy Day," she suggests.

 

Sehun grabs a different brand just to spite Seulgi, who scoffs at the childish action.

 

Once Sehun gets back to the apartment, he checks his phone and sees that there were messages from Joohyun and Soojung. Joohyun’s had been the usual, just a bunch of reminders of what he should so if the hangover was relentless. She still cares even when they fought last night. Soojung had texted him a good morning and asked what he was up to.

 

For a moment, Joohyun's words from last night ring in his head and he winces. Sehun doesn't reply to any of the text messages.

 

Before the clock hits six in the evening, Sehun was already at work. Black shirt and black jeans-clad, he does his work with no distractions because even if two hours has already passed, he does not see Luhan at his line of sight.

 

"Why isn't Luhan here yet?" he asks his boss, curiosity getting the best of him. Chanyeol was busy reading some data in a record book by the bar.

 

“Luhan doesn’t exactly have the same shifts as you.” Chanyeol answers.

 

“He’s got a gig somewhere, doesn’t he? Do you know where?”

 

“Why’d you have so many questions, kid? Go back to work.”

 

“Don’t call me kid.” Sehun bites back, unwilling to stop.

 

“He’s at the other club I manage, okay?  _ ChogiWow _ , okay? Are we done now, kid? You’re more irritating than Soo before I dumped her.” Chanyeol says in frustration. 

 

“Soo?” Sehun’s ears perked up at the mention of the name. Soo. Cutie. Redhead. 

 

_ (stop flooding my inbox n ok we can be friends im soojung but soo is ok ig thats what my ex used to call me tho :p) _

 

_ (“You can’t be a redhead. You can’t be cute either.”) _

 

_ (i had an ex too… we were tgt for years b4 he broke up w me. hes rlly tall :p) _

 

_ What if..? _

 

Chanyeol ignores him. “Go back to work, kid. You can’t leave ‘til ten.”

 

Once Sehun was done with work, he storms out of  _ HDlite  _ and back to the main street to take the walk to the club.  _ ChogiWow _ was a typical night club with strobe lights and electronic music. The place is barely lit although it's packed. When he gets inside, the loud music fills his ears. It was a remix of the same song Luhan had been singing at  _ HDlite  _ two nights ago.

 

_ I just heard you found the one you've been looking _ _   
_ _ You've been looking for _

 

Sehun doesn't even know what he's doing at the place. It wasn't as if Luhan would still be here, or that if he does find him… what'll he do then? Not like he had a plan in mind. He doesn't even know what he wants to happen if he does see him. Sehun just feels this compulsion to see him. Maybe he'll get a few drinks before approaching him, maybe that'll help in—

 

Sehun stops and stands still once he sees what he thinks could be Luhan. He didn't want to believe it because he was sitting on a man's lap. They were  _ kissing _ . 

 

It was no mistake. It’s then that Sehun notices that the man was Kim Joonmyun, who had one arm hung on Luhan’s waist. He wishes so much that what he was seeing isn’t real. But even when he closed his eyes and opened them once again, he still sees the same thing burning his eyes and at the back of his mind.

 

_ I wish I would have known that wasn't me _

 

Sehun never got to kiss Luhan like that around so many people.

 

He observes from afar how Joonmyun has his hand cupped on Luhan’s bony cheeks. They were at it like animals and Luhan grinds on Joonmyun’s lap and pulls on the back of his hair as if craving for more. Sehun clenches his fist, storming over to where they were before the sea of people inevitably bumped into him and he’s reminded once again of his place. 

 

_ Cause even after all this time I still wonder _ _   
_ _ Why I can't move on _ _   
_ __ Just the way you did so easily

 

There’s a fine line between knowing and seeing. Sure, he’s known for months that Luhan’s already found somebody else. But at least, he can pretend that it’s still him that could put Luhan in that state. If Sehun closes his eyes now, he can pretend that he saw nothing and let his mind erase the image of Luhan with someone else. He can still think that it isn’t real. 

 

He can still think that it was still him that Luhan loved and he hasn’t fallen out of it for someone new while Sehun’s left in the dirt to deal with what once was on his own.

 

He can go ahead and close his eyes. But it was much too late, for he had his eyes dead straight on the couple. He was just a mere spectator now. 

 

_ Sehun, what are you even doing here? _

 

Everything’s all tangled up in his mind. He feels so weak.

 

_ Why? _

 

Sehun runs out of the club, clawing at his chest as if digging deeper in the phantom wounds of his botched up self. He can’t breathe and it suffocates him to a point that he’s already heaving. Sehun couldn’t handle it so much that he trips in the middle of the busy street and he stays there to observe his surroundings.

 

A street performer can be heard singing his heart out from a few meters away and everyone else walking in all directions seemed amused with the night. A group of friends hunched together with laughter lingering in the air. Teenage couple holding hands. Two people running hand-in-hand looking for a place to fuck.

 

Sehun abhors how everything seems okay on the outside when he can feel death's grip clenching on his throat, tight enough to disable his breathing but not enough to kill him. It should be more painful than it is, Sehun would know. But he's built so many walls around himself that he shouldn't have let it affect him. But it was here and it was the kind of pain he's learned to tolerate.  _ Don’t let it hurt you,  _ he thinks.

 

But no matter how much he's accustomed to being hurt, it still hits him hard before he numbs it out with staged indifference—as if it had only been yesterday. When he saw Luhan kissing someone who isn't him for all the world to see. When he realized that maybe the reason why the both of them always stayed behind closed doors is because he wasn't good enough. When he was so sick of waiting for the burning in his chest to fade away that he had to find other means just to keep himself afloat.

 

_ When will this end? _

 

Once Sehun finds the strength to pull himself up, he searches his eyes for the familiar orange tent. Once he finds one, he settles himself down on a single table at the  _ pojangmacha _ to keep himself calm and drown whatever it was he was feeling blooming uncomfortably inside his chest.

 

His head is light but his chest is heavy. It felt so much better this way.

 

But Sehun needed to control himself so he only stays there until he can catch the last train at the subway and he has to calculate his steps and make sure he doesn’t fall to the ground again. 

 

An idea pops up in his mind and Sehun shoots it down before he takes action.  _ No,  _ he convinces himself.  _ Don’t do it.  _ Most decisions at midnight aren't the best with an alcohol-induced brain. But two stations have passed and Sehun should have stepped out of the train now. But instead, he stays seated even when the doors have closed and the train speeds up to the next station. Sehun only gets off right after passing five stops.

 

Sehun walks out of the station and back to the main road. He assembles his thoughts as he tries to remember which street he has to turn so he can reach the apartment complex. Once he finds it, he steps inside the lobby and heads straight to the elevator.

 

_ Is this the right thing to do? _

 

Once Sehun’s on the fifth floor and in front of room 506, he stares at the door for minutes just standing there; contemplating if he should continue what he was about to do. He wonders if anyone’s home. Sehun can just step inside and enter because he knows the passcode anyway. But he isn’t so sure if it’s been changed since the last time he’s been here.

 

So Sehun settles on pressing the buzzer repeatedly until the sound of the doorknob twisting register in his ears, halting his movements. 

 

_ There’s no turning back now. _

 

“Sehun?” Joohyun’s droopy eyes jolted open upon the sight of Sehun. He takes note of how her eyes were swollen red and bagged of dark circles. On top of having to deal with Sehun, she must’ve been stressed enough with work.

 

Sehun doesn’t deserve her.

 

“Bae…” Sehun says, keeping his voice calm. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

 

Joohyun was just staring at her as if she was seeing a new person. As if he wasn’t believing her eyes. She keeps her mouth shut, unable to say anything. That is when Sehun takes her cheek into his palm and kisses her.

 

It only lasts for a few seconds. The alcohol tasted even more bitter with the contact but Sehun pressed harder before he pulls away and gives Joohyun this look he knows she won’t be able to refuse.

 

"Okay," she says, biting her lower lip. "Do you want to spend the night?"

 

Sehun’s mind says no.  _ This is wrong, _ he thinks. Even when it isn’t.  _ But you don’t love her. You’re giving her all the wrong signs. _ He can feel his chest drop to his stomach. _ But she cares about you. She’ll love you more than Luhan ever had and will. _

 

Sehun nods instead, despite the red light flashing in his mind and Joohyun lets her inside the apartment.

 

Maybe it’s time to give them a chance. 

 

❂❂❂

 

Sehun wakes up in the afternoon on empty sheets with a pink duvet draped over his bare chest and purple pillows resting underneath the back of his head. Joohyun's probably went to work and didn't bother waking him. Sehun reaches his hand out, searching for his cell phone with closed eyes. Once he feels it in his hand, he unlocks it. As per usual, there's a text message from Joohyun with reminders.  _ i left u bfast to eat at the table. love u,  _ she ended. There are also ones from Jongin and Soojung.

 

_ Hey fucker i wont be coming home 2nyt l0l noona is visiting home and mother wanted me to sleep over i told joohyun-noona she should keep u company 2nyt but she said shell just bring breakfast tom _

**11:34 AM**

 

_ hangovers a bitch wat r u up to? _

**12:31 PM**

 

Sehun doesn’t reply to any of the messages.

 

The weight of the actions he had intended to do last night was weighing in on his shoulders and telling him that such decisions should not be made once again so impulsively. His thoughts are different now that he has a clear head and the facade he puts on masks much deeper scars with fictional bandages.

 

But it wasn't so much of a bad idea. It isn't a lie that soft lips pressed against his and feeling the warmth of Luhan's skin on his are nothing but a pipe dream. Sehun can just go pretend there isn't a gash in his heart and he won't have to deal with it. If Sehun closes his eyes to reality, maybe that way he can forget the ache in his chest whenever he thinks of Luhan. 

 

Sehun’s been doing so good. He should just go back to how things were, he was fairly content before Luhan came back and threw all the feelings he thought no longer existed back in his life. Except maybe now, he’ll try to give him and Joohyun a chance. It’s better to pay attention to those who are actually around him rather than with the ghosts of the past.

 

So Sehun stands up and eats the food Joohyun left for him at the table. He takes a shower and uses the white shirt, jogging pants and even a pair of boxers Joohyun had left for him on top of her dresser drawer. Before he leaves, he takes a post-it note from his study table and leaves the note on the refrigerator.

 

_ Thank you for letting me stay the night, Bae. _

 

_ \- Sehun _

 

❂❂❂

 

Friday nights at Hongdae are the worst—or at least for the ones who has to stay sober and work much like Sehun. It was even worse when he has to work alongside with his co-worker slash ex-boyfriend Luhan who he just saw grinding on his current boyfriend's lap and lead him to break down and reopen rotten wounds just last night.

 

Of course, Sehun’s already mastered the art of pretending that he’s okay ever since Luhan detached himself from his life. So four hours of working together and the promise of going home and not seeing him for the next two days only motivated him to work harder. So when ten o’clock comes, Sehun rushes inside the locker room to change and clock out.

 

“Hey Sehun. Why don’t you come and join us for a drink since you don’t have work tomorrow anyway.” Chanyeol, who was sitting by the bar, invites just as he steps out of the locker room. Sehun stops walking and sees his boss with an expectant smile. Luhan was sitting down on a barstool just beside Chanyeol.

 

It's rude to decline the offer. So Sehun reluctantly nods and _ —damn it. _ The only stool that isn’t occupied is the one beside Luhan.

 

Sehun sits down and Chanyeol’s pushing a glass of whatever cocktail he’s mixed towards his direction and he drinks it down straight. It was soft on his tongue yet another glass or five made him feel just enough to feel light in the head but not enough to lose his control.

 

It was, however, enough for him to get lost too much in Luhan's laugh which was just as beautiful as his singing voice, or his speaking voice. Sehun doesn't have any favorites, his favorite sound, in general, is Luhan's voice anyway. 

 

_ Stop _ , Sehun thinks. He shouldn’t be thinking this way. Last night’s breakdown isn’t going to be forgotten just because the sound of Luhan’s voice whenever he laughs at Chanyeol’s dad jokes which the both of them are probably laughing at because he’s enforced a rule about it. (“You have to laugh at my jokes unless you want to get sacked.”)

 

“Sometimes I wonder what if we were still together…” Luhan says, loud enough only for Sehun’s ears to catch. It makes Sehun’s blood boil for a split second because  _ you don’t get to say that when we aren’t together. _

 

“Stop playing games with me.” Sehun grits, voice low. It catches Luhan off guard and his smile falters. Chanyeol glances at them and does a double take before drinking from his glass and almost chokes because he had not been prepared. Normally, Sehun would’ve at least made fun of it but…  _ Luhan. _

 

Luhan scoffs, his tone no longer playful, “I’m not playing games with you.” he defends.

 

"Stop lying," Sehun says. There's this look of bewilderment on Luhan's face. Of course, Luhan wouldn't know why Sehun is even mad. He doesn't know how Sehun saw him last night and that he's still affected even if it's been so long.

 

“I’m not lying. What do you take me for, Sehun?” Luhan sends a sweet smile directed at Sehun and it irks him to the core. Chanyeol’s giving them the side-eye, he’s doing a terrible job at being discreet. “Anyway, I have something to do in the morning so I’m going to go now.”

 

Luhan swings his bag over his shoulder and takes his leave, bowing to Chanyeol before going downstairs. Sehun drinks down the rest that’s left in his glass and lets the warmth calm his nerves down. Luhan’s lost his appetite to drink with them and Sehun had been the one to kill it.

 

Chanyeol sits down on the stool beside Sehun and he can already hear the questions pouring in his ears. “Do you have a thing with Luhan?” he asks, straight to the point. “You were bugging me last Thursday about him too.”

 

"Last Thursday was yesterday, though." Sehun points out, choosing to ignore his question.

 

“Exactly.”

 

His boss didn't seem like he was going to let it go. Sehun contemplates if he should lie and deny it. But he ends up shrugging instead. "He's my ex," Sehun says.

 

Chanyeol seems to be in deep thought before tipping the rim in his mouth and drinking straight from the bottle. He coughs out for a moment and closes his eyes.

 

“I had an ex too…” Chanyeol admits. “Let’s call her Soo. I dumped her. I heard she has a girlfriend now.” 

 

_ Well that was quick. _ The story was achingly familiar and that’s when Sehun gets it.

 

Soo. Cutie. Redhead. 

 

_ (stop flooding my inbox n ok we can be friends im soojung but soo is ok ig thats what my ex used to call me tho :p) _

 

_ (“You can’t be a redhead. You can’t be cute either.”) _

 

_ (i had an ex too… we were tgt for years b4 he broke up w me. hes rlly tall :p) _

 

"I think I might know this Soo," Sehun says, finally piecing two and two together. So he was right. Chanyeol's Soo was the same Soo he had been texting with. Soojung must've noticed Jongin as one of Chanyeol's employees and had her friend give the number to the both of them.

 

“Did that person try befriending you?” Chanyeol asks and Sehun nods, remembering the number of text messages he’s shared with the other. Things add up but don’t at the same time. Sehun can’t even deal with his own relationship problems and he just had to be tangled up in someone else’s. Chanyeol laughs as if recalling a fond memory. “She’s done it before to one of my employees. Sometimes I think she still loves me but…  _ I don’t know. _ ” Chanyeol giggles, it was of a bubbly kind and it sent chills down Sehun’s skin with cringe.

 

"Don't tell anyone, though. It's a relief, you know? It's kind of hard to find someone who's been…" Chanyeol pauses as if there's a lack of right words to say or a supposed moment of understanding. "...in the same situation as me."

 

Sehun nods. The resemblance in their situation is uncanny although they were on both ends of the spectrum.

 

“Do you two have unsettled arguments? Maybe you two should talk it out. I kept running away from Soo and look, she’s got a girlfriend now.” Chanyeol sighs. “I mean, I know Luhan has a boyfriend too right now. But from what I can tell the two of you haven’t had a proper closure?”

 

Maybe his boss is right. Sehun rarely ever listens to other people’s advice but Chanyeol was making sense. Maybe the reason why Sehun can’t move on is because there were questions in his mind that were yet to be answered. Half of his heart wanted to get back together, but what were the chances in that? If Sehun can’t have that maybe he could just try and understand why they ended from Luhan himself and maybe he can finally  _ move on. _

 

“Boss, can you give me Luhan’s number?”

 

His boss pulls his phone out and checks for Luhan’s current contact and scribbles the number on a receipt a customer’s left on the countertop with his finger. Chanyeol folds it four times before handing it to Sehun.

 

"Thanks, boss," Sehun says. He'll send him a message later when he gets home. "I have to go now. Thank you for the drink."

 

Chanyeol smiles at him and  _ dabs.  _ “Here’s a good luck dab for you.” Chanyeol dabs again. “Double. For extra luck.”

 

_ What the fuck. _

 

"Good luck, kid," he says, pulling an imaginary trigger and firing at him. Sehun decides to play along and clutches at his chest for effect. His boss is weird but at least he gives good advice.

 

Sehun goes home and spends the commute back with thoughts flooding in his mind. Walking from  _ HDlite _ to the subway station had him thinking what was he going to write in his text to make Luhan agree to meet with him for a closure. Traveling from two stations away from the train made him think if he should suggest meeting at a coffee shop on a weekday so they can talk. But it wasn't a date. It was just something to tie up loose ends so it shouldn't be anything fancy. Maybe they'll just stay at  _ HDlite _ and talk about it after work.

 

Once Sehun gets back at his apartment, Room 1206, he pops the knots out of his back and plops himself on the couch. It’s quiet, of course, Jongin isn’t around to nag him since he went back home for the night.

 

Sehun rests there for minutes, just thinking of all the possibilities that could happen in meeting Luhan to clear things up and talk things out so Sehun can finally understand what happened in the past. Sehun’s being oddly optimistic. But somehow, he had a good feeling about this and maybe he can start all over again. As himself perhaps, or maybe with Joohyun, he doesn’t know yet.

 

Sehun stands up from the couch and sits down on the bed. Sehun pulls out his phone and just when he about to pull out the receipt where Luhan’s digits were written on, he receives a message from his boss.

 

Sehun opens it and reads.

 


End file.
